when did society decide that we had to change and wash a t-shirt after every individual use, If its not dirty, im going to wear it.

Today I found out that my friend's dad died of sudden heart attack this morning. I can't even imagine. Think of what you were doing a year ago, or yesterday, or even five seconds ago. Appreciate what you have, because with a blink of an eye. Everything can change. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Jackie. Stay strong.

I think Im too hard on myself when it comes to swimming. I feel like sometimes I just want to quit and move on into something new with my life. But sometimes I feel like its all I have. Im not a brilliant person, I am smart and when I put in the work, and It shows. I know that swimming will help me get into a good university, and it will set me up for that part of my life. My brother says that being on varsity and having team mates and friends really makes first year easier, and fun. A part of me wants to do that, and when I see varsity, I think it looks fun, but its almost like I feel like im stuck with it for the next 4 years of my life. I could just be feeling this way because Im still getting fit and haven't had a good training block to feel good about it yet. To be honest, right now, if we werent going to Greece, I would not be swimming. Its keeping me motivated. And now with carling not gong im not really stoked anymore. I just keep thinking of the negative, im missing travis's 18th birthday, and carling cant come, im missing so much school. I want to have that freedom I had before I got back to swimming. It such a commitment and after the last 2 weeks its really becoming obvious that my mind isnt totally in it. Im not amazing at it. I have always just been average, and the only thing that will become of me from swimming is going somewhere for school, if I choose to do that. I wont go to the olympics, its sad to say that, but reality is, I wont. It would be amazing to see myself there, and I geuss I could go one day, but eventually im going to want to try life without having swimming there 24/7. Now my sister is even beating me, and thats pretty depressing. I know I took 6 months off, and she trained everyday, but when you see your little sister, who is know bigger than you, steal the stage in your own group its kind of hard. She has always been better than me in school and now she is better than me in swimming, she's tall and skinny, and im jealous of her. I dont really know what im good at right now, and I dont know if Im supposed to know, or if one day I will just wake up and realize it.

This font is super cool.

A bird flew into my kitchen window this morning. I hate that window. What if that bird had a little family or was having the best day of his life and then our stupid window killed it. I cant focus on anything now because that was a really shitty way to start a morning.

Some mind babble: I like my body when its with your body. I like your body, I like what it does, I like to feel your spine and the trembeling firm smooth-ness of which I will again and again kiss. I like kissing this and that of you, I like slowly stroking the shocking softness of your flesh, and possibly I like the thrill. Wanting to, undeniably, yes, it’s a fact, I already know you are someone who will see everything the way I do but are completely opposite and will exaggerate every feeling in my body and unknowingly have me in their grasp at any given time. I fell for you and this fall is never ending.