Monday, January 31, 2011
For some reason I can't stop changing my bedroom, nothing looks right to me, im frustrated. I think it's because iv lived in so many houses and different places that as much as I want to find that feeling of home, I know that my bedroom isn't what will define that. Still, I wish I could find a place for everything.
Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thang
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my roll I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it till the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Part Two ( scroll down to part one first )
During the summer I was single, I was free of swimming and school, I was having fun. You could say that I abused my rights of having fun and started going down a bad path. A lot of other shit happened last year with relationships that just added to the shitty-ness. My friend Carling never told me that what I was doing was okay because she knew there were healthier ways of dealing with what I was going through. Although to this day I know no one can understand exactly how it all felt, I still am beyond thankful to have a friend like her to pull me through and keep me line.
I began thinking about going back in September to swimming, did I really want to? I could be good at other things but never know because swimming will consume my life. What if I get another injury, or have another shitty year? it will all be a waste. I told my coach this, he then told me to take a break from swimming. He was the one person I knew would understand how going back after the last year would be difficult.
If I go could go back and be awesome, and a great happy person and be great at life, I would.
Unforunteately that is not how life works. I took the time I needed to explore different options, find out what I like doing,finding out about myself and exploring the potential of what I could become. I started hanging out with positive people, who made me feel good inside. I started dating someone who couldn't have a better influence on my life, and I couldn't be happier.
I found out I like to paint, and I love bunnies. Im a bad driver and can't cook. I sleep in really late, and I like coffee. I realized that once I start something, I need to finish it, and that I like meeting new people. And after 6 months, I realized I loved swimming. I went back 4 days ago. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. The feeling of weightlessness, like you have electricity running through your veins jump starting your body to ignite and go, and not stop until your heart explodes. I realized how that is a feeling only I can feel.
I am blessed to have people ( you know who you are) in my life. I could not have come this far without any of you. I love every single one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Looking back, I am grateful for everything that happened to me. It wouldn't have gotten me here today, I am now more excited than ever to begin my long course season. I want to be in the water everyday, and my heart races just thinking about the the first time I will step on the blocks this year.
What happened? I don't know. But for some reason it did, just like everything else, and that's just how I live my life; everything happens for a reason.
I began thinking about going back in September to swimming, did I really want to? I could be good at other things but never know because swimming will consume my life. What if I get another injury, or have another shitty year? it will all be a waste. I told my coach this, he then told me to take a break from swimming. He was the one person I knew would understand how going back after the last year would be difficult.
If I go could go back and be awesome, and a great happy person and be great at life, I would.
Unforunteately that is not how life works. I took the time I needed to explore different options, find out what I like doing,finding out about myself and exploring the potential of what I could become. I started hanging out with positive people, who made me feel good inside. I started dating someone who couldn't have a better influence on my life, and I couldn't be happier.
I found out I like to paint, and I love bunnies. Im a bad driver and can't cook. I sleep in really late, and I like coffee. I realized that once I start something, I need to finish it, and that I like meeting new people. And after 6 months, I realized I loved swimming. I went back 4 days ago. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. The feeling of weightlessness, like you have electricity running through your veins jump starting your body to ignite and go, and not stop until your heart explodes. I realized how that is a feeling only I can feel.
I am blessed to have people ( you know who you are) in my life. I could not have come this far without any of you. I love every single one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Looking back, I am grateful for everything that happened to me. It wouldn't have gotten me here today, I am now more excited than ever to begin my long course season. I want to be in the water everyday, and my heart races just thinking about the the first time I will step on the blocks this year.
What happened? I don't know. But for some reason it did, just like everything else, and that's just how I live my life; everything happens for a reason.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Part One
I know it sounds lame, but here it is - my life changing story with swimming.
It all started in the summer of 2009. I was up at my friends cabin on the lake spending summer like it should be spent- sleeping in, sun tanning, boating, swimming. I suddenly started to feel sick, I ignored it thinking it was just a cold, because who wants to be sick during summer vacation... Unfortunately this was the first ingredient for my recipe for disaster. I got really sick. I phoned my mom to pick me up and we drove straight to the hospital. I had H1N1 (swine flu) I then spent my summer how most would put it " in hell" It took me about a month and half until I was feeling back to normal, so just in time to start school I was feeling better. Then about a week into the first semester, I got the flu, just the regular, shitty flu. It took over my whole immune system due to the fact that I had just gotten over H1N1.
When I finally started to see the light again, my dad announced we were moving to Calgary. Of course to any 15 year old girl, this was the best news you could receive. Goodbye friends, goodbye school, bedroom, routine. I was used to moving though, my dad's job always kept us on the road. I didn't think this would be a difficult change in scenery having been born in Calgary and all our family lives in Alberta.
Once we arrived, we were living in a condo for about a month and half, sharing a bed with my sister, living out of a suitcase, and waking up to practice fire drills at 3am for the residence of the building. Needless to say, it sucked. We finally found a house and we moved in, thank goodness. We also found a swim team. I met Kevin and instantly knew I would be blessed to have a coach like him. He had successful swimmers in the past, he knew school always came first, and he took interest into the actual well being of his athletes. I started up 2 weeks after school started, Having had a rough summer getting back in didn't only feel way tougher than in the past, but it proved that I wasn't fully recovered from being sick.
I went on with it, hoping one day I would magically wake up 100% and eventually I did. I was so happy to be training and healthy. I was motivated to get back in and qualify for seniors and race my heart out. At school I was dating a boy named Tyler, he was and still is one of the most influencial people in my life. His outlook on life probably isn't understood by most, and some things he says you have to take with a grain of salt. In the end, he never gives up on me. The quote that has stuck with me the most is " Fuck it, do what you want" not to be taken in a reckless way, but at the end of the day, do what makes you happy.
Things were starting to look up, I was training for Portland, a big meet in the US that every swimmer looks forward to during the season. While training one day, I knocked heads with a varsity guy. I swam to the wall and looked to my friend Anna and said " I think I got a concussion" she laughed and didn't think I was serious. I went to school, and then back to the pool that night, I went up to my coach and told him what happened. He checked for obvious symptoms other than the ones I told him I had been feeling through out the day. Within minutes I was at the university sports clinic being examined for a concussion. They were positive that I had one, and to be on the safe side they sent me to the hospital to get an x-ray of my neck and spine to make sure nothing else was damaged.
The doctor told me that with my condition of head injury I should scratch from Portland. I was devistated. I couldn't believe that all my training and after having a rough start to the season that this was happening. I had to go.
With all things considered, Portland was a month away. Looking back now I realized I was lying to myself when I took Tyler's advice (refer to quote above.) and told myself I was better. By pushing through the dizziness in practice and the nausea I felt afterwards, I never let anyone see how I really felt. I went to Portland and I swam like shit. I remember swimming the 50 br the first day. Symptoms wise, It was too short of a race to tell. I never thought about it like that until I finished the 200 the next day. I was 100m in and all I could focus on was how the back of my eyes felt they were being punched. I finished the race, got out and sat behind the curtain for about 15 minutes trying to gather myself to go talk to my coach about my swim. " I'll just blame it on my shitty warm up" I told myself.
I walked over and the first think Kevin said to me was " either your brain is too small to heal, or your not better" He looked at me with that " you know im right" stare and that was that.
I didn't swim anything more than a 50 for the rest of the meet.
When we got home, I refrained from training for about 2 weeks, then went back and rode the stationary bike. I would work on getting my heart rate up slowly and effortlessly. By doing this a couple times a week I would begin to recover. After my birthday in February I had gotten back in, and had been taking it easy. Kevin put me in my own lane at first so that I would get more comfortable with my surroundings again. I had was paranoid for about a month that by looking down at the bottom of the pool I would run into someone again, and be back where I started. Eventually I was back in with my team mates trying to get fit and fast again.
Most people don't believe me when I say I have gotten a concussion while swimming, but getting two in one year?
yep, concussion number two. I was at the wall, when my friend turned and her arm wacked the side of my head. I got out and was out of it for about 20 minutes. I probably hadn't been fully recovered from my first one, due to me being impatient and too optimistic, but now I realized if I rushed this one, I could risk permanent brain damage.
I took this one slow. A few months later I was training once again. I really wasn't a "happy swimmer" at this point. I felt like I just kept getting beaten down and landing really hard on my ass, and every time I would try and get up, life would look at me and say fuck you.
I lost all hope to qualify for seniors during short course season, and didn't want to commit to a goal for long course because I would probably just get hit by a bus or something.
I went to a few meets, and swam like shit. Basically I was just swimming to finish the season so I could start fresh for the 18th time that year.
I went to Western Canadian Championships and well... looking back now this was SUCH a long ass year.
I found out I was anemic, and had Mono. The blood work I had gotten a few weeks prior to leaving came in and I got the results. Pretty much a disaster. Then this whole thing happened where someone brought an illegal drug on the trip, and a random string of events occurred that I will not go into detail about, but it resulted in me getting suspended from travel, and the team.
After my suspension was Nationals, I was still in my rut but luckily back on the team. I was a bit more optimistic about this meet because I would see all my Ontario buddies. Turned out to be a decent meet to finish the year.
...
It all started in the summer of 2009. I was up at my friends cabin on the lake spending summer like it should be spent- sleeping in, sun tanning, boating, swimming. I suddenly started to feel sick, I ignored it thinking it was just a cold, because who wants to be sick during summer vacation... Unfortunately this was the first ingredient for my recipe for disaster. I got really sick. I phoned my mom to pick me up and we drove straight to the hospital. I had H1N1 (swine flu) I then spent my summer how most would put it " in hell" It took me about a month and half until I was feeling back to normal, so just in time to start school I was feeling better. Then about a week into the first semester, I got the flu, just the regular, shitty flu. It took over my whole immune system due to the fact that I had just gotten over H1N1.
When I finally started to see the light again, my dad announced we were moving to Calgary. Of course to any 15 year old girl, this was the best news you could receive. Goodbye friends, goodbye school, bedroom, routine. I was used to moving though, my dad's job always kept us on the road. I didn't think this would be a difficult change in scenery having been born in Calgary and all our family lives in Alberta.
Once we arrived, we were living in a condo for about a month and half, sharing a bed with my sister, living out of a suitcase, and waking up to practice fire drills at 3am for the residence of the building. Needless to say, it sucked. We finally found a house and we moved in, thank goodness. We also found a swim team. I met Kevin and instantly knew I would be blessed to have a coach like him. He had successful swimmers in the past, he knew school always came first, and he took interest into the actual well being of his athletes. I started up 2 weeks after school started, Having had a rough summer getting back in didn't only feel way tougher than in the past, but it proved that I wasn't fully recovered from being sick.
I went on with it, hoping one day I would magically wake up 100% and eventually I did. I was so happy to be training and healthy. I was motivated to get back in and qualify for seniors and race my heart out. At school I was dating a boy named Tyler, he was and still is one of the most influencial people in my life. His outlook on life probably isn't understood by most, and some things he says you have to take with a grain of salt. In the end, he never gives up on me. The quote that has stuck with me the most is " Fuck it, do what you want" not to be taken in a reckless way, but at the end of the day, do what makes you happy.
Things were starting to look up, I was training for Portland, a big meet in the US that every swimmer looks forward to during the season. While training one day, I knocked heads with a varsity guy. I swam to the wall and looked to my friend Anna and said " I think I got a concussion" she laughed and didn't think I was serious. I went to school, and then back to the pool that night, I went up to my coach and told him what happened. He checked for obvious symptoms other than the ones I told him I had been feeling through out the day. Within minutes I was at the university sports clinic being examined for a concussion. They were positive that I had one, and to be on the safe side they sent me to the hospital to get an x-ray of my neck and spine to make sure nothing else was damaged.
The doctor told me that with my condition of head injury I should scratch from Portland. I was devistated. I couldn't believe that all my training and after having a rough start to the season that this was happening. I had to go.
With all things considered, Portland was a month away. Looking back now I realized I was lying to myself when I took Tyler's advice (refer to quote above.) and told myself I was better. By pushing through the dizziness in practice and the nausea I felt afterwards, I never let anyone see how I really felt. I went to Portland and I swam like shit. I remember swimming the 50 br the first day. Symptoms wise, It was too short of a race to tell. I never thought about it like that until I finished the 200 the next day. I was 100m in and all I could focus on was how the back of my eyes felt they were being punched. I finished the race, got out and sat behind the curtain for about 15 minutes trying to gather myself to go talk to my coach about my swim. " I'll just blame it on my shitty warm up" I told myself.
I walked over and the first think Kevin said to me was " either your brain is too small to heal, or your not better" He looked at me with that " you know im right" stare and that was that.
I didn't swim anything more than a 50 for the rest of the meet.
When we got home, I refrained from training for about 2 weeks, then went back and rode the stationary bike. I would work on getting my heart rate up slowly and effortlessly. By doing this a couple times a week I would begin to recover. After my birthday in February I had gotten back in, and had been taking it easy. Kevin put me in my own lane at first so that I would get more comfortable with my surroundings again. I had was paranoid for about a month that by looking down at the bottom of the pool I would run into someone again, and be back where I started. Eventually I was back in with my team mates trying to get fit and fast again.
Most people don't believe me when I say I have gotten a concussion while swimming, but getting two in one year?
yep, concussion number two. I was at the wall, when my friend turned and her arm wacked the side of my head. I got out and was out of it for about 20 minutes. I probably hadn't been fully recovered from my first one, due to me being impatient and too optimistic, but now I realized if I rushed this one, I could risk permanent brain damage.
I took this one slow. A few months later I was training once again. I really wasn't a "happy swimmer" at this point. I felt like I just kept getting beaten down and landing really hard on my ass, and every time I would try and get up, life would look at me and say fuck you.
I lost all hope to qualify for seniors during short course season, and didn't want to commit to a goal for long course because I would probably just get hit by a bus or something.
I went to a few meets, and swam like shit. Basically I was just swimming to finish the season so I could start fresh for the 18th time that year.
I went to Western Canadian Championships and well... looking back now this was SUCH a long ass year.
I found out I was anemic, and had Mono. The blood work I had gotten a few weeks prior to leaving came in and I got the results. Pretty much a disaster. Then this whole thing happened where someone brought an illegal drug on the trip, and a random string of events occurred that I will not go into detail about, but it resulted in me getting suspended from travel, and the team.
After my suspension was Nationals, I was still in my rut but luckily back on the team. I was a bit more optimistic about this meet because I would see all my Ontario buddies. Turned out to be a decent meet to finish the year.
...
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Zoe's dream
Zoe texted me this morning informing me of her dream. I was driving too fast with a bottle of vodka in my hand, yelling about crashing a party. I pulled over and asked these guys if they wanted to come. They said no. I got really mad a sped off and zoe yelled "I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD BE DRIVING" then I got pulled over by some policemen and as they were arresting me I passed out. Then my dad had to come pick me up but he turned into a giant and took me home and my mom said "IV HAD IT, YOUR ONLY 3 YEARS OLD!" then zoe had to take me to my bed for a nap because I was a toddler and then she had to feed my kittens but as she was feeding them they started shrinking and almost drown in the spoon.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Im thinking about the world. It's such a random concept when you think about it. If everything happens for a reason, then why does the "world" exist, what's it's reason? What defines the world? Is it every living and breathing object out there? or is it everything summed up into a big ball because were all too lazy to define it as a specific. It could be what you can feel with your eyes closed and taste what you can't see. Like the salt in the ocean, or the wind. I don't know why we have to have an understanding of it all anyways when eventually we will all die. One by one, not in a catastrophic explosion. Why do people care what lies beyond our universe? they will never find it in their lifetime or witness it, so what's the point? why are we here? aside from the scientific reasons, and reasons to keep us saine, have you ever looked at the bigger picture? what lies beyond the reason of our existence?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
areoplanes
What a beautiful face, I have found in this place,That is circling all round the sun,What a beautiful dream,That could flash on the screen In a blink of an eye and be gone from me. Soft and sweet. Let me hold it close and keep it here with me. And one day we will die. And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea. But for now we are young. Let us lay in the sun. And count every beautiful thing we can see. Love to be. In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me. What a curious life we have found here tonight. There is music that sounds from the street. There are lights in the clouds. Hear her voice as it's rolling and ringing through me. Soft and sweet. How the notes all bend and reach above the trees. What a beautiful face. I have found in this place
That is circling all round' the sun. And when we meet on a cloud. I'll be laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see. Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all
That is circling all round' the sun. And when we meet on a cloud. I'll be laughing out loud I'll be laughing with everyone I see. Can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all
word vommit
I really love words. And I think about them all the time. The way that they fit together, the way that they change things. The right words can transform whatever, whoever, they touch. Words are powerful. They hurt and they heal. They show different things in a completely different light.
Tidbits
almost 17,photography, drawing, collages, baking, sea shells, candles, the holiday season, ideas, tea, the forest, adventures, my bunny, lavender, dandelions, record players, hand written notes, my boyfriend, lazy days, tuna, blanket forts, brushing my teeth, warm nights, belgian waffles, the smell of sunscreen and barbecues, netflix, music, driving in cars, fruit.
young hearts
I don't think that every person appreciates how lovely they are, everyone just needs to calm the fuck down and realize this is just a grain of sand in the middle of a massive beach.
Ponder this-
would you rather be looking back up at the sky, no idea when the end is gonna hit? Or would you rather go face-first, aware of the moment when everything cuts to black, knowing that this second is your last?”
Dragon flies
Why is a dragon fly called a dragon fly?
-
An insect that is really a friend of man is the dragonfly. The unusual creature received its name because it looks somewhat the way you would expect a dragon to look: a long body, a large head with two big eyes, a tiny set of antennae and two pairs of long narrow wings.
-
An insect that is really a friend of man is the dragonfly. The unusual creature received its name because it looks somewhat the way you would expect a dragon to look: a long body, a large head with two big eyes, a tiny set of antennae and two pairs of long narrow wings.
Blog
It occurred to me that I don't know what to use a blog for. So i decided Im going to write about random shit that is awesome.
No one will follow me, or read this so its pretty cool. But if you are ever so inclined to read these riviting statements, then enjoy!
No one will follow me, or read this so its pretty cool. But if you are ever so inclined to read these riviting statements, then enjoy!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
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